I had been using a dictus band to keep my left ankle flexed but I had to go up on tip toes on my right leg, and swing my left leg around, rather than through, to walk. I was causing damage to my lower spine and right hip, increasing spasm in my right leg, putting my entire body out of alignment – but it was better than being in a wheelchair.

The results from using the Odstock have been amazing! Initially, it was exciting just to be able to bring my left leg through straight rather than swinging it around and through. The Odstock electrically stimulated my muscles to flex at the hip, knee and ankle. The flow on effects from being able to walk like this have been profound. My spine is straightening, my posture has improved, I stand straight and I rarely experience pain in my right hip. Muscles on my left side from my core down are becoming enervated and are getting stronger.

(An earlier post, Wired To Walk, has a video showing how the Odstock works.)

With the help of a personal trainer who seizes every opportunity to reconnect muscles, I have developed lower abs, internal obliques, glutes, quads and knee control.

Over the last month I have been able to rotate my left hip. Now this may not sound like a big deal, but it has taken my walking to new level. My left hip flexor used to collapse, but now my hip extends, rotates, and my left leg is in a good position to take the next step. (Another plus is that as my internal obliques strengthen, I’m getting a waist!)

My balance is still awful, but the downward pressure I put on my crutches is much, much less as my legs take more and more of my weight … Fewer shoulder problems, twisting of joints, and maybe an easing of carpel tunnel syndrome, as well as walking faster and further. I still have to do lots of stretching – it’s like keeping the muscles oiled and moving smoothly.

So it’s been a good year …

Reach For The Stars

Some highlights:

* As we waited for my daughter and her father, my husband, to arrive I was surrounded by our family. Next to me were our sons, and behind me were my daughter-in-law (wise, warm, an essential part of my life for so many reasons) and my future daughter-in-law (with a radiant smile that embraces and spreads joy). How blessed to have such a family. They make me complete.  In this moment I know my cup brims over.

* The man about to marry my daughter watched her slowly walk toward him and as he smiled it seemed as if, for him, this was his entire world. He took her hands in his, looked into her eyes, and was moved to tears. In this moment I loved him more.

* As they exchanged their vows the sun came out and it was as if the universe smiled.

* The mother of my new son-in-law gave a wonderful speech. She was funny, witty, and, best of all, her words embraced her daughter-in-law.

* In mid sentence my son-in-law said “my wife”, chuckled, paused and smiled as he again said “my wife”. 

* The first dance together as husband and wife was spectacular. It was a mix of romance, drama, fun and action, and moved easily into everyone joining them on the dance floor. Even me! Young and old rocked on together. Everyone stayed on the dance floor for hours.

* An atmosphere of happiness and joy pervaded the ceremony and celebration. It was tangible and touched everyone. The high spirits, emotions and energy of this couple lifted me up and made a magical celebration for everyone. They dismissed every potential stress, and their calm and focus on what was truly important soothed me, and I laughed and shared their joy.

But the moment I most remember is at home, minutes before we left. I stepped into the living room and saw my daughter,  a bride. In that moment, every memory I have of my daughter flashed before me and merged into this vision of beauty. I saw the baby lying asleep on my chest as we lay on the couch in the afternoon sun. I saw the toddler jumping off the stairs into a bean bag. I saw the little girl who wriggled into a space beside me to be as close as possible as I lay immobilised in a tilt bed in the spinal unit. I felt the arms of the little girl who placed them around my neck as she sat as close as possible as we wheeled on the prone trolley months later. I saw the little girl who never saw the wheelchair I sat in, only seeing her mother whose lap she wanted to sit in. I saw the ballerina, beautifully serene and beaming as she waited to dance as a unicorn. I saw the little girl who looked after her crippled mother and elderly grandmother when we flew to Melbourne – lifting luggage the size of own little body off the carousel, and making us cups of tea in bed. I saw the little girl arriving at Wellington international airport having flown alone from Sydney. I saw the girl who rode horses ten times her size. I saw the tomboy who climbed trees and was fearless. I saw the public speaker, confident in every situation. I saw the athlete who ran, cycled, swam. I saw the young woman who has seen so much of the world, determined, overcoming challenges. I saw the young woman who took me on road trips to Mt Maunganui. I saw my brave, loving, kind, strong daughter. I saw my best friend. I saw a goddess standing before me. I saw my wonderful daughter on the happiest day of her life … and I burst into tears, my heart so full love for her, and joy that she loves and is loved.

I saw my friend and daughter who had included me in her wedding preparations. Who the evening before had included me, with her bridesmaids, in drinking cosmos, eating pizza, and watching Moulin Rouge, laughing and reminiscing. My generous daughter who opened our home to her friends and family on the morning of her wedding, to share her happiness this day. Her happiness was infectious and as we all scrambled to get ready at the last minute, we laughed as we found ourselves  sharing space, three or four people in every room.

As we waited for the bride, I watched the groom and thought of my son who two years before had stood waiting for his bride. I remembered his nervousness. I remembered the smile and joy as he watched her come toward him. I remembered the happiness that she reawakened in him when they found each other. I turned to my future daughter-in-law and she smiled at me, reassuring me. Sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, friends and more. I, and my grown up children, are truly fortunate to know love and be part of loving, caring, growing families.

“There is no greater happiness than to love and to be loved in return”

Music can stir men to battle, soothe a baby to sleep, arouse passion, unite us in patriotism, make us dance, make us happy, make us sad, recall mamories, send people into trances, help us focus, stimulate dreams, motivate, send us to another time or place, build images … It seems there is nothing that music cannot do. It invades our souls, plays with our emotions, weaving through our lives leaving marks, and marking milestones.

I have also been exploring images for music. I’ve loved every moment of it. Here are some of the results:

Music, happy pieces of heart

Music Sets My Heart On Fire

Music Sets Fire To My Soul

Music Is A Whirlwind of Emotions

And a calligram I have published before, but is relevant in this context:

Lost In The Music

What happens if the Dictator crumbles? If the voice cracks or is lost? Then the troops slow down, lose direction, become confused. Life becomes harder, the world darker.

That’s when I need inspiration from outside. Someone to listen is best, or maybe following the faint memory of routine brings me into contact with someone and I rediscover my self.

The world can be hostile when your mobility is impaired. Simple things can seem impossible. Anxiety and panic can immobilise you. Negative thoughts can creep in and overwhelm the optimistic, confident self.

I need some means of rediscovering the inner voice, the voice that gives the orders, pulls the troops back into line. I listen for an echo or a whisper “Do it”, or fake the orders until they become real, and the Dictator returns. I need the voice that says “DO IT”. I need The Dictator within.

That’s why routine is so important, particularly going to the gym. There, not only do I experience all the benefits of exercise and socialising, but that’s where The Dictator’s voice is loudest. Exercises that take me to the edge of what I can safely do, that test and recruit physical weaknesses, and that make my brain work out harder than my body, need the voice that says “DO IT”. It’s a challenging environment but it’s also a safe and happy place. That’s often where I’ll find My Dictator.

The Dictator

I had been using a dictus to lift my drooping left foot off the ground (drop foot) – a dictus consists of a cuff around your ankle with a thick rubber band looped around hooks on the bottom eyelets of your shoe:

To walk I went up on the toes of my right foot, leaned over to the right and swung my left leg around. My spine was twisting and everything was out of alignment.

Now, using the Odstock to stimulate the muscles of my left foot, I walk with a normal gait, if a very slow normal gait. There is a switch in the heel of my right foot so that when that heel hits the ground, an electrical impulse travels up a wire to the small pocket sized computer on my belt, then down another wire to one electrode placed on my skin over a nerve that travels from the knee to the ankle, and a second electrode placed behind my knee. A micro second later my ankle, knee and hip bend and I am propelled forward. MAGIC!

Odstock Computer Unit

Odstock stimulates walking

Even better is the U tube clip that shows <a href="http://“>how the Odstock works.

But here’s the catch. It’s not a sudden cure for spinal cord injury or stroke or multiple sclerosis. It’s a walking aid. And to get to this point of walking tall and straight I spend lots of time stretching and exercising the muscles that abused to be able to walk. I exercise weak muscles that I need to recruit to work with the Odstock. I spend hours repeating small movements that I need for endurance. I work hard to reconnect and reprogramme nerves that have learned a pattern that has to unlearned, corrected and relearned.

It’s intense. Determination, persistence, commitment is my mantra to which I’ve added creativity. Creative thinking. I discipline myself to follow precisely the instructions given to me by a clever personal trainer who thinks laterally and is always coming up with ways of tricking my brain so I can learn new, better patterns of movement.

Last week I walked two kilometres around a walking/running circuit at a local park. The expansiveness and wide open space encouraged me to stand tall. It took me 80 minutes, and apart from a few lapses of concentration I think my gait was fabulous.

Is it good enough? When will it be good enough? I’ve no idea, but this is good for the moment.

This post is dedicated to my daughter who “got” Proust before she was twenty. I couldn’t get much further than the first sentence of “Swann’s Way” the first of seven volumes of “In Search Of Lost Time” (although, in my defence, the sentence was three pages long.)

I didn’t manage to read Proust’s novel(s) in English, let alone French, but with the help of my daughter I am better able than otherwise to enjoy and appreciate his (and her) reflections. As some wit remarked “they would rather visit demented relatives than read Proust”. I understand the sentiment and I am very lucky to have had some of his themes explained to me and discussed in contexts I understand.

Although memory, especially involuntary memory, is the main theme of Proust’s work, it is the idea that if we understand our life experiences and know how they affect us and change us, and we can use those changes to transform ourselves, that has me punching the air saying “yes!”

Now, I didn’t explain that very well, so I was really pleased to find this quote from Proust, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes”.

I can apply that to so many of my experiences, from the traumatic to the seemingly trivial. And i think I can see how Proust spoke to my daughter. She was four when I damaged my spinal cord, and she adapted her life around whatever I could offer her. (As did my sons, and they too would probably “get” Proust if they ever decided to read his work.)

Some of my real voyages of discovery:

One of the most important lessons I have ever learned was after I lost my mobility – don’t let the things you can’t do stop you from doing the things you can do.

When my twin sons were babies I learnt that housework doesn’t matter. It will always be there, but your babies will grow up. (Or I needed to sleep more than I needed to vacuum.)

I learned that if I walked at the same pace as my toddlers we could all see the caterpillar in the grass.

Teenagers are extraordinarily receptive to exploring all sorts of ideas, from politics to ethics to science … They like to share their discoveries, and I learned to listen.

I learned that dreams come true, but my dream of walking has required determination, persistence and commitment. And creative thinking, by me or by others.

I have lots of art projects on the go all the time. I have learned that this is a good thing because something I read or hear or see adds to my experience and even the most subtle change can enlighten or inspire me to bring something more or different to what I am working on.

Writing focuses and clarifies my thinking, and often helps me look at issues from new perspectives.

I find myself wondering more and more how many opportunities I miss to learn about myself and others. This is not a bad thing. My mind is opening.

By expressing myself in art, no matter how skilled I am, I am translating to another medium an aspect of who I am and what I see. Art makes it easier to have new eyes.

I’ve also learned that those few words defining a real voyage of discovery have provoked me to think carefully about what “having new eyes” really means.

The Real Voyage of Discovery

I don’t know much about the dispute other than that Ports of Auckland wants to set up a contractual workforce similar to that at the Port of Tauranga.

I also didn’t know much about Ports of Auckland’s expansion plans, and I’ll bet that most Aucklanders don’t either.  Particularly as Aucklanders are so lethargic about politics compared with those of us who live the Capital.  Should they be worried? Heck yes. Ports of Auckland wants to use 200 hectares of prime waterfront to expand the port. Management wants to compete with Tauranga and Marsden Point.

Problem is, Auckland can’t take the super sized container ships that are the future of shipping. The port could only take them in a very few very high tides. Tauranga is deep enough to take them, but isn’t big enough to take many. Marsden Point easily has 200 hectares available to expand, and it can take lots of these big ships. The cost of expanding Auckland Port is huge and a waste of valuable resources.. Marsden Point is the obvious place for NZ’s major port. All that’s needed is $40 million to build a train line between Marsden Point and Auckland. 

So, Aucklanders, get off your butts and do something about the management of Ports of Auckland. At stake is something far bigger than a union dispute. You’ll end up paying mega bucks for an expanded port that won’t be used, and you’ll lose a piece of your waterfront. If i heard correctly, part of this $2 billion spend on roads in Auckland will go on accessing the port.

I haven’t researched any of what I heard on the radio, but like I said, when all this comes collectively from Mike Williams and Matthew Hooton, and they are in total agreement that the management of Ports of Auckland is wasting resources trying to be something that it never can be, then it’s time to delve further. 

Something’s wrong at Ports of Auckland, and it goes way beyond a dispute with the union.

One step at a time.

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the enormity of a task, or unsure where to start. Sometimes the whole picture seems too big to know where to begin to look. Sometimes it seems easier just not to start.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step” – Lao-Tzu

Nearly nineteen years ago I began a journey that literally began with one step. I was about to be discharged from the Spinal Injuries Unit in a wheelchair, unable to even stand. I had a little movement in my right leg but not enough to use functionally. I was unable to even pull myself to standing. Yet one afternoon in the gym, challenged by the other patients, I did just that. The physios didn’t think it possible, but said if I could stand they would place me between the parallel bars with a callipur on my left leg and help me walk. And I did. I pulled myself to standing for a few seconds before collapsing. True to their word, the physios put my left leg in a full length callipur and placed me beteween the bars. The callipur kept my left leg rigid, my arms took the rest of my weight and I lifted my right leg to take my very first step.

Some say that Lao-Tzu’s words are best translated as beginning your journey with the ground under your feet. That’s pretty much what I did, and still do. I focus on the step that I am taking now. I’m not thinking about whether I’m improving or whether I’ll be able to throw one or both crutches away. I’m thinking about the best possible quality of step that I can take now.

Action begins this very moment. Procrastination is the enemy. Pick up the messy papers and sort into folders. Do the exercises and stretches that keep me mobile. Go to the gym and focus on my body alignment. Enjoy creating the current artwork. And live in each moment that is part of every journey.

Dreaming is easy. Processing and focussing your thoughts, then taking action requires effort and hard work. Your goals and how you achieve them help define who you are and who you can become. So although the progression to self development and self awareness through dreams, thought and action might be linear, it isn’t simple. It requires some effort to sort the tangled messages.

The next step is to wrap it up with a big bow and colour it in rainbow colours because life is a gift and it’s up to us who we become.

Well here is the image gift wrapped with the message in the colours of the rainbow

Life is a gift, and it’s up to us what we do with it.